Sunshine in a Russian Novel

IF a Cancer Peep is extremely lucky, as death brings a rapid end for far too many, their life becomes something of a Russian novel.  There is pain and misery.  The landscape of endless doctor visits, scans, laboratories, and treatment rooms is cold and bleak.  Hours passed are long, tedious, and boring.  Dinners are bland.  Portions small and unappetizing.  Characters are unduly complicated, insisting upon actions that cause decidedly unpleasant side effects. Names are over long, difficult to pronounce, containing far too many consonants. The necessary narcissism of the protagonist negates their ability to participate in the lives of others, leading to isolation and a narrow, mean existence. Light, warmth, joy, color, and laughter are infrequent, distant, removed.  Sadness becomes pervasive.  Overall, life with cancer, or in a Russian novel, is a daunting effort - from the start.  Who among us has even begun War and Peace?  Much less finished it?  Twice?

As invalid invalids, [That first as: adjective - without validity; null; void.  The second as:  noun - sick person; made weak by illness or injury.]  Cancer Peeps suffer many casualties beyond their health.  Their job, their social circles, their identity.  The work to maintain a relationship with a Cancer Peep is just too hard, too distant, too complicated, too depressing, too great a mirror reflecting the uncontrolled nature of life and the certain conclusion of death, for many.  Abandonment by those believed to be bound to the Cancer Peep by love, loyalty, or even obligation, is one more shock in their already broken existence.

I have experienced those losses.  But, lucky bug that I am, I have been fortunate enough to walk that long, cold road, lined with dirty snow and debris blown by the harsh wind, the collar of my thin, worn coat turned up against it - TWICE!  The reality of being nothing to those you thought valued you highly, wounds in ways that can break your soul, but if survived and a bit of distance is afforded, you realize that those who would abandon you in your time of greatest need, were never there for you in the first place.  YOU were there for them.

It is easy to focus on such pain and abandonment.  Lord knows, lucky Cancer Peeps have plenty of time alone with their dismal thoughts.  Given the perverse nature of man, injustices and insults suffered tend to affect our spirit more than any acts of kindness and love if we are not careful.  To that end, I have worked to remember the reality of relationships that failed me, rather than the idea of them that I created.  I actively choose to prize the beauty of those dear ones who have remained loyal, true and kind through all my struggles and limited ability to participate in THEIR lives!  And I am blessed.  Blessed with dear ones near and far.  Blessed with those who see me.  Blessed by those who not only ask how I am, but then insist on listening to my litany of complaints, cheer me on and lift me up.  It is a rare gift.  Almost 4 months (or 15 years, depending on how you like to count) of misery in - my dear ones are not backing down.

Just this week, I received an entire package of sunshine. Apropos of nothing - and everything.

Fun, practical, useful, comforting - love - in the form of sunshine.

My dear sweet Connie.  13 years my mentor, leader and friend.  The kind of woman I hope to be when I grow up, knowing I never shall possess your unflappable grace, gentleness, or quiet strength.  Your example has meant more to me than you will ever know.  Your lovely yellow rays pierced my drab and dreary Russian novella.  Making me smile.  Making me believe in myself, and love, and spring.  Thank you, my friend. ~ celeste